ADHD in Women: The Grind of Mothering
You're not broken. You're not lazy. You just might have ADHD.
The Hidden Signs of ADHD in Mothers
Becoming a mother is virtually a miracle, given the risks that come with carrying a child and then delivery. Once that baby is here, you really get a taste of great joy and challenges. But imagine navigating motherhood while your brain works in overdrive—and nobody, including yourself, realizes why daily tasks feel impossibly overwhelming.
You lose track of time during bedtime routines. You forget important school events despite writing them down. You start multiple household projects but struggle to finish them. The mental load feels crushing, and well-meaning advice to "just get organized" feels like a slap in the face.
If this resonates, you're not alone. You might be one of the millions of mothers living with undiagnosed ADHD.
Why ADHD in Girls and Women Goes Undiagnosed
Here's what many people don't know: ADHD often looks different in girls and women than it does in boys. While boys typically display the hyperactive, disruptive behaviors that get attention (and diagnosis), girls more commonly present with inattentive symptoms—being distracted, disorganized, and experiencing internal restlessness that's easy to overlook or dismiss as "being spacey."
This means countless women reach adulthood—and motherhood—without understanding why they've always felt like they were working twice as hard to achieve what seems effortless for others.
The wake-up call often comes when their own child gets diagnosed. As you fill out those ADHD questionnaires for your little one, you might find yourself thinking, "Wait... this sounds like me." Given that ADHD is highly heritable (one of the most genetic neurodevelopmental conditions), this scenario is incredibly common.
ADHD Executive Function and Motherhood Challenges
ADHD primarily affects executive functioning—the frontal lobe which manages planning, organization, time management, emotional regulation, and attunement. These are precisely the skills that motherhood demands in abundance.
Consider the executive function required for a typical morning:
Get out of bed on time and get dressed
Plan breakfast while packing lunches
Keep track of backpacks, homework, and your own to-do list
Manage your own schedule alongside your child's or partner's needs
Regulate your emotions and be attuned to the needs of your little one when things inevitably go sideways
For most brains, this juggling act is challenging. For ADHD brains, it can feel impossible.
Self-Esteem Spiral of ADHD
Perhaps the most devastating aspect of undiagnosed ADHD isn't the missed appointments or forgotten lunches—it's the internal narrative that develops over years of struggling without understanding why.
You might tell yourself:
"I'm just not cut out for this"
"Other moms have it figured out"
"I need to try harder"
"I'm failing my children"
These thoughts are symptoms of a world that already expects too much from mothers while neglecting the reality that many girls and women aren't being heard or seen when they tell people something doesn't feel right. They know they can do more but feel like something is always holding them back.
The Relational Impact of Undiagnosed ADHD
Untreated ADHD doesn't just affect your daily functioning—it impacts your overall well-being:
Relationships suffer due to communication challenges and ADHD symptoms being attributed to character flaws, leading to frustration from partners. Sometimes impulsivity can lead to ending relationships that might actually be healthy.
Physical health declines when self-care gets neglected
Career potential may feel limited by difficulties with consistency, follow-through, or interpersonal challenges
Depression and anxiety can develop under the weight of chronic stress and self-criticism
The exhaustion is real. The frustration is valid. And the feeling that life shouldn't be this hard? You're absolutely right.
The ADHD Diagnostic Gap for Women
Unfortunately, many healthcare providers—even mental health professionals—lack training in recognizing ADHD in adult women. Women of color, especially Black women, are significantly underdiagnosed with ADHD despite having all the symptoms. Due to stigma, many are afraid to even be assessed and treated.
This leads to:
Misdiagnosis (often anxiety or depression, which can be co-occurring but not the root cause)
Delayed treatment or no treatment at all
Years of unnecessary suffering
The medical field is finally catching up to what researchers have known for decades: ADHD affects women and girls just as frequently as men and boys, but presents differently and has been systematically overlooked.
ADHD Treatment Options For Women & For All
Here's what I want every mother reading this to know: ADHD is highly treatable, and getting proper diagnosis and treatment can be life-changing.
Effective treatment typically includes:
Medication & Therapy
Medication is still the gold standard of care for treating ADHD. Many are aware of stimulant medications such as amphetamines and methylphenidates, but some get deterred due to fear of side effects and habit-forming properties. In the hands of a properly trained clinician, these medications can be safe and side effects can be managed.
There are also non-stimulant options including Strattera, Qelbree, Intuniv, and some off-label medications. Please know that you have options. These medications help the frontal lobe connections work more effectively by enhancing certain neurotransmitters, which decreases ADHD symptoms so people can function better.
Medication is just one component of treatment. Another important aspect is engaging in behavioral therapy to improve executive function skills and dismantle the negative thinking that has built up over the years, creating harsh beliefs about yourself. Other therapies such as relational therapy and trauma-informed therapies can also be critical, as many people with ADHD have co-occurring disorders like depression and anxiety that need to be addressed as well.
Lifestyle Modifications
Once someone begins treatment specific to ADHD, it's often an opportunity to start taking more time for self-care and develop healthy habits that also help with ADHD symptom management. This includes having a healthy relationship with food and adequate nutrition, establishing an exercise routine, and working to create more healthy relationships.
For some, it also means establishing boundaries and expectations around what you can and cannot do. For example, it might mean not signing yourself up for every committee at your child's school, or advocating for support from family and friends to help with some of the tasks you're juggling that could be handed off to someone else.
Life After ADHD Diagnosis
If you recognize yourself in this post, please know that suffering is not a requirement for daily living. Getting evaluated for ADHD isn't admitting defeat; it's taking the first step toward understanding yourself and accessing the tools you need to thrive.
You are not lazy. You are not broken. You are not "too much" or "not enough." You are doing your best, but it's time to get some help.
Next Steps
If this resonates with you, consider:
Speaking with a reproductive psychiatrist experienced in adult ADHD diagnosis
Documenting your symptoms and how they impact your daily life
Connecting with other mothers with ADHD who understand your experience
You deserve support, understanding, and treatment that honors how your mind works.
Your children don't need a perfect mother—they need a mother who understands herself and has the tools to show up as her authentic, supported self. If you are looking for an evaluation, then book a consultation today!
Disclaimer: This blog post is for educational purposes only and is not intended to replace professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. The information provided should not be used for diagnosing or treating any health condition. Always consult with a qualified healthcare provider for questions about your individual health circumstances and before making any decisions about your mental health care. If you are experiencing a mental health emergency, please contact 911 or go to your nearest emergency room immediately.
About the Author: Dr. Alecia Greenlee is a Harvard and UCSF-trained psychiatrist specializing in reproductive and lifestyle psychiatry for high-achieving women who are often struggle with depression, anxiety, burnout, and ADHD. She provides socioculturally attuned care through Bloom & Build Integrative Psychiatry in San Jose. She is available for in person visits in SF Bay Area & virtually throughout California.
